24 Random Thoughts While Watching Anaconda (1997)

As someone who watches a lot of movies (you can check out my Letterboxd to see how frequently I'm watching something), I spend an inordinate amount of time talking to myself. The more frequently I revisit something, the more in-depth I can become on trying to deconstruct the world in which things are presented.

Last week, I went on a bit of tear at home about Anaconda, the 1997 cheese-fest about a group of beautiful dummies who travel to the Amazon jungle and have an encounter with the mother of all snakes. Anaconda is a guilty pleasure for me. I've seen it pretty more than most people should. So when I randomly asked on social if people would want to read the random thoughts I have about this movie, I was shocked that more than one person said yes. (Shoutout to Rosie Knight, especially!) So, here we are, the various threads I think about while watching Anaconda. Be sure to leave your thoughts on the movie in the comments below (as well as whether I should ever do this again).

Note, these are all in good fun and, yes, I know this is a movie at the end of the day. Any comments that start with "The screenwriter didn't do this for a reason" or some variant of that will get a side-eye from me.

The plot in a nutshell: A professor (Eric Stoltz) takes a group of filmmakers – consisting of indie director Terri Flores (Jennifer Lopez) cinematographer Danny Rich (Ice Cube), sound guy Gary Dixon (Owen Wilson), production manager Denise Kalberg (Kari Wuher) and narrator Warren Westridge (Jonathan Hyde) – out on a river in the Amazon in search of a mysterious tribe of native Indigenous people. Along the way, they meet the shadowy Paul Sarone (Jon Voight) who, through a series of events, takes the crew down a different path in hunt of a big ass snake.

• Honestly, until putting together that plot summary above, I had no idea at least three of these characters had last names.
• Jaws (1976) is clearly a primary influence on Anaconda. Outside of its creature feature trappings there's even a moment wherein the primary snake who becomes the main focus (who I'll be referring to as just "Anaconda") is finally revealed and Lopez gets the Chief Brody dolly shot treatment. With Jaws, though, there was no long text crawl explaining what sharks were. So it's a bit funny that a movie literally called Anaconda needs to explain what a snake is.
• This movie also implies that it's one vengeful anaconda that wants to take everyone out and not just a species of snake that just live around there. This is what I call "Twister-izing" wherein we turn something non-human (twisters, anaconda) into the equivalent of a serial killer. Never mind that said anaconda has reason to be pissed at a bunch of dirty Americans walking through her jungle starting shit.

• We're introduced to a poacher, played by Danny Trejo. No need to know anything else about him. But, like Jaws, Anaconda is coming for him. What's hilarious is that he starts hammering wood over a door. Didn't know snakes had arms, hands, and fingers to turn a knob.

• Absolutely no one dresses for the environment they're in. We meet Lopez's Terri wearing a see-through nightgown (putting the 13 in that rating) while Cale's outfits seem like they were purchased exclusively at the Creature From the Black Lagoon store. Mosquito netting is not a mandatory requirement at all in this movie. Also, no one is vaxxed for the Amazon. Just a feeling.
• Eric Stoltz is fine as hell in this movie but Professor Cale is honestly the worst person in this movie. His goals in this movie give off a VERY white colonizer vibe and he's 100% getting sued after at the end of the movie, right? Three of his crew died on his project. And what if he actually never found said tribe? He's gotta return that grant money he took, which he pretty much admits he kinda lied to them about knowing where said tribe is in order to get it. Also, the romantic relationship with Terri....one could call it romantic. I'd call it sexual harassment with a potential quid pro quo angle.
• That rickety ass boat everyone assembles on may look questionable but it's apparently a floating Tardis. There's at least five cabins in here (and that's if the couples share), plus room for an espresso machine (Westridge has one), plus outside room for a driving range. I hope Cale kept receipts for that eventual audit.
• Right away, too, Cale starts changing the route, going "50 kms out of our way." "What were the '90s like Mom?" "Well, back in the day we didn't have GPS. We just had a ginger relying on a questionable map and tribe instincts to help us find stuff." Another thing, did Cale even HAVE a plan B? What if they spent whatever amount of time on that river and didn't actually find said tribe? What was the pitch?

• Never get on a boat with a man who played J. Bruce Ismay.
• This movie is a lesson in bad '90s makeup. Poor Denise is rocking some mauve lipstick here. Her highlights look harsh. I'd have left the Maybelline at home. Though, I need a Terri Flores "what's in my bag video" because her hair is flawless on this river. No frizz. Doesn't look dry. This is pre-9/11 so she must have had full-size bottles of something.
• Sarone eventually arrives and based on the amount of eye-fucking between him and captain Mateo (Vincent Castellanos) they've either planned this or they're lovers. I'm leaning towards planned. Assuming Mateo told Sarone about the crew that still means they were like "So, you're gonna wait on this sinking boat for.....some time....until we pass by and I pretend to save you?" And if Cale was such a smart person who later gives Sarone a dressing down and refuses to take his route changes, why take Mateo's which make even less sense?
• I do love that Sarone assumes they're hunters. He's on a boat with a bunch of well-dressed looking Gen X hipsters and city people. The only hunting they've probably ever done is for Easter eggs.

• All this time spent saving random Paraguayans (yep, Sarone is Latino...played by Jon Voight) and talking sex – between Gary's more hackneyed approach and Cale's laughably bad romantic firefly speech – no one's actually filming shit. Not even B-roll or anything.
• Also, in this quest for sex which sees Gary and Denise get off the boat to go hook up amongst the watery rubber trees, no one's concerned about getting scratched or whatever the Amazonian equivalent of poison oak is. Just rip those clothes off and start rubbing up against everything.
• Eventually the ship gets stuck and Cale, apparently motivated by BDE, decides to scuba dive and get them out. He spends so much time worrying about the fictional catfish that swims up your dick that he doesn't actually bother to notice the giant ass (is there any other size in the Amazon?) wasp in his scuba mask. The group also ate the fish Sarone pulled out of the river which could have had all sorts of weird parasites. They're taking the term "wild caught" to new heights.
• If these guys weren't already dead from river parasites, anacondas and the like, Cale was definitely getting gangrene from that riverside tracheotomy Sarone performs to save his life.

• In order to save Cale, Sarone claims they need to bomb a blocked off part of the river. Terri is hesitant to throw off the "ecological balance" but her loooove convinces her to. Adding "Brazil v. Cale" to the lawsuit docket.
• You might be wondering, "Where's Anaconda in all this?" What's funny is how the various creatures just seem to lie in wait for these characters to hit specific cues. They're traipsing through this river in street clothes and presumably fish, anacondas, other things just avoid them. They must have seen Danny lugging that massive camera on his shoulder (in. the. river.) and cut him a break.
• Anaconda eventually shows up, throwing a monkey corpse at the boat that's apparently the "shit just got real" moment of this movie.
• You have to wonder how Cale plans on explaining to these character's loved ones about them dying. "Yes, I know it was a documentary project. Sadly, we didn't expect your brother, Gary, to be eaten by a man-eating anaconda. Who could have foreseen that? Sorry, but your sister Denise isn't coming home. She was killed by the massive thighs of the white Paraguayan drifter we saved. But know their deaths weren't in vein when I finally find this tribe."

• Terri, at one point, pretends to seduce Sarone to take back the boat and the way Sarone talks about it being years since he "had a woman" makes me think he's a virgin incel.
• I do have to wonder if this movie's progressive in that Cale is pretty much the damsel in distress. He spends nearly the entirety of the movie as Sleeping Beauty (nice work if you can get it) waiting for Terri to rescue him.
• They eventually find said tribe they've been hunting and considering how bad Cale is at his job would it surprise anyone if the tribe just murdered them in the end cause they've never met outsiders?
• You could see the grant committee watching this (Blair Witch style, finding the footage years later) being like "There's three scenes here.....we gave money for this?"